Scars of the Mind

Let me tell you of the day I found out I have depression, you see I had a referral to go see a psychiatrist to see how my mental health is doing after that traumatic day. My dad was in the room with me for 15 minutes because she had questions for him too. She asked my dad about the stuff they did when I reached the hospital because I was unconscious at that time. That day was the very first time I saw my dad cry while talking about what had happened... Seeing my dad cry broke my heart, he told me that he was very worried that I wasn't home, I mean who wouldn't be? Put yourself in my dad shoes... You come back home from work and you don't see your oldest daughter.

And he knows that I come back home early on Wednesdays.

Once my dad left, she asked me how I felt when I think of that day... I remembered crying in front of her and honestly that was the first time I cried in front of a specialist... I remembered telling her how I blamed myself for hurting someone I really care about, and that my family and friends told me it was not my fault but there is that one little voice inside telling me that it was.

"If you just went by yourself and not invited someone else to come then it'll just be you suffering." the voice said. Those word remained in my mind and darkness started to fill my heart and every time I see my reflection I would look at myself with so much hatred and anger. Honestly I started blaming myself when I was in the rehabilitation center, I told my mom about it and was internally crying because I did not want her to see me cry.

"It wasn't your fault, you had no idea that such thing would happen. You shouldn't blame yourself anak (child/dear)" my mom whispered as she caressed my head.

I started to hate myself even more when I saw complications on my incision and my cognitive thinking was a mess... I ask myself why did I ever trust that person to drive me? And to think that I almost forgave that person... I remember what my mom told me before she left, "will forgiveness bring back your old life?" I thought about what she said and no it wouldn't... I know this sounds mean but I was in so much pain physically and now mentally... I get anxiety whenever I see trucks... My thoughts are filled with darkness everyday... Feeling sad at random times of the day, thinking of if situations...

Honestly I also began hating that person, because I became like this not being able to do a lot of stuff... to help out my family with chores and even working to pay for college... I cannot do things I love to do, not being able to finish my study with the time frame I've planned. Having a future surgery to fix my hernia to close up my abdominal muscles... And missing out an opportunity to be reunited with my family back home and not be able to go to my sister's graduation... On her graduation day I was alone in my room and the doctor asked where my family was, the nurse answered him saying "they went to her sister's graduation". You guys don't know how sad I was that I wasn't able to go to her special day, to cheer her on and shout her name... I was devastated, I remembered telling my parents and sister in a joking matter that they could've dragged me there. But I knew that it was impossible...