Melancholy Girl

For 2 months there was a girl inside my heart, trying to claw its way out; wanting to feel the summer breeze and the kiss of the sunlight. I look out my "cell" window as I dream to be out having fun, but the people in white gown forbade me telling me it is for the best for my condition. In the first few months I remember always looking out my circular window seeing the trees sway from the summer breeze, I then start imagining myself lying in a meadow, smiling as I look up at the sky. I then realize that I was just daydreaming as I see the ceiling light of the ICU... I remember in the beginning of July they put me in bed rest for 2 weeks to allow healing of 2 stitches. During those times, I wanted to go out. It is at that moment that I realize that empty feeling inside I feel when I have been crying for hours, but without shedding a single tear. There is usually very little crying involved, because sweet depression takes away all my feelings. I want to express that sadness through releasing tears, but unfortunately they never come.

Although when I am happy, there is always that reminder in the back of my brain that I will come down from this, and I will probably come down fast. But when I am up, I am so high that my mind is shouting to myself with a tone of sweet promise, "I won't be sad again! I have nothing to be sad about! I am lucky to be alive, now I am going to live my life and be HAPPY!". It is almost like being drunk, being happy. It is temporary madness that leaves me with interesting memories and confusion as to why I am like this in the first place. I did nothing wrong, but why is this happening to me and my family. "Everything happens for a reason" they said... I can't help but think what that reason is. Everyday the nurses would come in to give my daily medicines and a belly shot; one in the morning and one in the evening. I hated that shot, but they will always apologize and say, "it's for the best so that you won't get blood clots, but once you start moving around you won't have to take this anymore, so continue to get better; you've gone through a lot but you're looking much better than a few months ago." The belly shot was one of the medicines I hated. I hated the feeding tube and the catheter bags.

The one I hated the most was wearing a diaper not knowing when I need to go and getting cleaned by CNAs. One nurse then tried to schedule when I should go so that I'd have a normal routine. She told me to call her if I think I have to go so that she can put the bed pan and not in my diaper, so that I don't get rashes. Even though she told me to call her when I think I have to go I could not tell, so I ended up just going in my diaper. However, I got so embarrassed whenever I had to call the CNA to clean me up, my mom then offered to do it instead. I remember writing an apology note to all the staff that had to clean me up. I felt like I was a burden to them and my family would always say that I shouldn't feel like that because it's their job... but I can't because even I felt like I was a burden to myself.

-yours truly, Sonette